Quest 6: Kela (Blogging Anniversary)

Mary Beth Carlisle said...
I love Kela and she is one of my favorite people!!!! And I awe in her ability to behave and her thoughtfulness! (I hope that this question doesn't get misconstrued in any way because I mean this with pure innocent wonder.) What was it like when you found out that Kela would never be "normal"? What goes through your mind when you think that your only girl won't get to do the "normal" things that teenage girls do?

Well, MB, Kela acts much better in public than at home, so she has fooled you! LOL! She does try to use her best manners when she's out, often times, using her "thoughtfulness" to get what she wants from others. She suckers people, quite effectively, with her charm. =) She's a master of getting her way! So...in that sense, she is very normal. She's a manipulative little girl, enchanting her way into getting herself pampered. :) LOL. She also changes her mind constantly, has emotional breakdowns, exhibits loads of drama, and loves clothes and purses (all girly tendencies). LOL.

However, to answer your question: I don't think I have ever thought much of it really. Not in that particular sense, anyway. What I usually think is that my life would be SO much EASIER if Kela was normal. She takes more energy than all of my boys put together. I often get frustrated that she's frustrated. Illogical, I know. I don't have enough patience for her, at times. Kela comes with a lot of challenges, mostly giving me mental anguish over her outbursts. I have wished many times that she were easier to deal with...But then again, in the same breath, I often think maybe it wouldn't be easier if she were normal. Teenage girls can be quite stressful. I would probably be freaking out over worry about what she may be getting into. At least I know she's not making poor choices. That's what really kills me as a parent. When my kids make a poor decision, I am racked with torment. With Kela, I'm exempt from that feeling, so in a lot of ways her condition is a blessing to me. I have less heartache, because she doesn't have to choose between right and wrong.

Surprisingly, I guess, I don't think much of what she's lacking. Even in the beginning, when we first found out that Kela had retardation, I didn't ever acknowledge that she would be missing out on stuff. I honestly thought more on terms of a tactical stand point. I thought more like, "Okay, what do I need to do?" "How is this going to change me?" "How do I have to be different to make the most of this?" "What steps do I need to take?" "Now what?" I guess that's the analytical thinker in me coming out. I've always thought more on practical matters than on the abstracts.

Over the years, I've come to realize that Kela has motivated me to be a better person. She's pushed me to my limits, and then beyond. I try to be worthy of her, but I know I fall short all the time. I hope she will forgive me of my inadequacies as her mother. I know that one day I will have to stand before her and ask her forgiveness, and I tremble to think of how she will respond and judge me. I worry. I don't want to see a disappointed face from her. I want her to put her arm around me and say, "It's okay. I know you did your best. I love you." Thinking about that now, just makes me cry. I don't feel like I deserve her. However, God granted me the priviledge to walk hand in hand with a choice spirit, and I feel obligated to do my best. If I don't measure up, I will be completely crushed, devestated, and uncontrollably lost in remorse. I feel a huge responsibility on my shoulders, and feel as if I have eyes watching me all the time: hers and angels. I feel like she is surrounded by exceptional spirits, and they're judging me. I feel a lot of pressure to perform. I don't want Kela to be slighted by my weaknesses, but know deep down that she is. That hurts! I just want her to give me her mercy when the day comes that I meet her face to face as her true self. I aim for that greeting to be as painless as possible. Therefore, I've become a better person because of her. It's a continual evaluation. My high moments in life are normally when I'm trying to be worthy of Kela. When I'm succeeding, it's usually because she's on my mind. I don't want to let her down. For some reason, I feel way more accountable for her, than my boys. The heaviness can feel massive! I just want to be worthy. That's all.

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Thank you, MB, for the question. I needed to be reminded of my daunting responsibility. Seriously, I needed that today. I've got to step up my game...AGAIN! ;)

Anyone else?